The Platonic Male Friend's Guide to Relationships

I'm Brennan Hickam, and I'm a Platonic male friend.  I've been a Platonic male friend to many women in my time, a task I have undertaken both willingly and begrudgingly.  Most men refer to this as the "Friend Zone," and it's often considered a mark of shame, for the promise of sex is constantly dangled in front of our primitive brains while our conscious minds remind us that it will never happen.

Being the Platonic male friend is fine in some scenarios: if they're our exes and we don't want any more from them, if we're simply not attracted to them, if we made a religious commitment to abstinence, and if we're gay.  However, this is often not the case, and we are stuck at an impasse with girls we would totally fuck but we can't.  In this case, there would be some sex at the end of the rainbow if there wasn't interference at one end or the other.  Whether you girls aren't attracted to us or we're spineless pussies who are too nervous to ask you out, either way we are stuck.

How we as humans reconcile failure has been on my mind a lot recently.  Many of the world's problems stem from it, but we are nowhere close to knowing which way is best for which scenarios.  There is no more primordial failure for us as males of the species to not be able to spread our seed to willing and fertile females.  For those of us stuck in the Friend Zone, we often choose the route of blaming you.  We call you manipulative gold-digging harpies toying with our emotions and crushing our hopes and dreams, but all too often we can only blame ourselves.

Although I have accepted that it is my own fault that I constantly end up in the Friend Zone, there are still a few things I don't get about you women.  Why do you stick around with terrible excuses for humanity when there are so many perfectly decent guys waiting in the wings.  Men aren't picky.  All you women need to do is snap your fingers and you'll have guys clambering for you like little kids with candy.  We often have to wait years, even decades, for the privilege of sex, but all you need to do is sit at the bar and look inviting.   Stop torturing yourselves!  If you're no longer happy with the guy you're with, and especially if he's fucking around behind your back, do yourself a favor and kick the bastard to the curb.  If he thinks he can do better than you, you know you can do better than him.

I know that all sounds a lot like "don't fuck them, fuck me!" but I really believe it.  No one should feel like they have to stay somewhere where they don't feel happy, least of all you.  And as a final word, to us Platonic male friends everywhere, if you're not abstinent or gay, we don't deserve to give you everything you want while the one thing we want remains unanswered for.  And now, I'm headed out to the bar: maybe this time I'll find what I'm looking for.