I saw a video on YouTube the other day that changed my life. I will never look at today's crappy popular music the same way again. It has changed my perspective on everything.
This video was for Rebecca Black's "Friday"
I can say without a doubt that this is the worst song that have ever been written, ever. Who thought that this would be good?! What creatively bankrupt studio loosed it upon the world?! This makes Justin Bieber look like Mozart. This makes Hannah Montana look like Janis Joplin. This makes Ke$ha look like God!
There seems to be a decent amount of effort sunk into this video, too, with some decent Adobe After Effects going on and a guest appearance by a rapper who, to me, looks like he would not stop for even a second to molest any of the teenage girls on screen. Which leads me to the only positive thing I can say about the video: everyone is age-appropriate. The teenagers actually look like teenagers, rather than the 20-somethings in letterman jackets you get even in movies about high school.
I'm not even sure that this is real, and not some joke pulled on YouTube to parody all the teeny-bopper pop songs that have been raping our culture for what seems like the last decade. If it is, then it's a pretty well-done joke, and I commend them for their bold statement against the music establishment.
However, all evidence that I could dig up points to the creators, Ark Music Factory, as being dead-pan serious in their effort to cement Rebecca Black as the next pop sensation. Their strategy is to duplicate Justin Beiber's rise to fame and debut a new pop star over YouTube to gain enough groundswell for her to really make it big. If she signs with a record label, then God help us all!
If ever there was a song that would bring about the End of Days, this would be it. This is the absolute worst, the low point of pop culture, the horrific embodiment of everything that is wrong with the music industry today. This ear-shrieking siren of death will bring about the undoing of the world.
And I recommend everyone go watch her video!
This is something everyone needs to see. It's actually so bad, it's brilliant. It will make you look at acts like Justin Beiber, Ke$ha, and Lady GaGa with new eyes, and make you say "well, at least it's not Rebecca Black." I'm no longer ashamed of actually liking Katy Perry, because if anyone questions my good taste, I now have something to show them, so that they may see the error of their ways.
You can find the official video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CD2LRROpph0 They shut down the ratings system, so if you want to contribute to the already-impressive hit count on the video without guilt, then just post in the comments about how terrible it is and you will be absolved.
Enter the world of "Friday," if you dare!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Paradigm Shift
Here's a little double-feature follow-up to the post I made just earlier today about the new Medal of Honor. It seems that some people (Cody) threw a shit-fit and game me an earful about how influential the MoH series has been. I agree with you, Cody, I just think that this game was a hackneyed mess only elevated by a par-for-the-course mutliplayer. And no, the fact that the multiplayer is decent does not excuse the fact that the single-player (or at least my experience with it) was broken beyond belief.
Now, let's lighten up. Now that I've given both of my readers an earful about a game that I didn't expect to hate, I'll dish out seconds about a game that I didn't expect to like. I'm astonished, actually! This game has all the elements that should throw me off and send me away, but I was drawn to it and enjoyed it despite.
The game is Final Fantasy XIII, and to those people who are calling my sexual orientation into question for liking a wussy little JRPG over a big, tough manly military shooter, well then that is FABULOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
Final Fantasy XIII is generally regarded as one of the worst in the series (not including the recent Final Fantasy XIV Online). People seem to take issue to the confusing story, the repetitive gameplay, and the domination of the cast by emo kids with strange hair colors. Wait, am I talking about this game or the whole series (ba dum tish). I can say now that I'm not one of those people. I've so far been able to follow the story, get engaged in the gameplay, and actually connect with the characters.
To explain the backstory of this game would be like trying to explain quantum physics, and it would be pointless because I hardly know any of the backstory. There's this place called Cocoon, and this thing called the fal'Cie that everyone's trying to get to, and all of the main characters get these tattoos which mean that they are these things called l'Cie and they need to fulfill their Focus or they get turned into these other things and ... AAAURGH, my brain hurts.
Besides that, the story is actually fairly genuine and well-put-together. One of the l'Cie is named Sara, and her fiancee Snow and her sister Lightning both try to rescue her from the fal'Cie. Lightning is dragging around this black guy called Sammy Sosa or something who has a chocobo chick tucked away in his afro (don't ask), and Snow is dragging around two kids: Hope, the embodiment of "pussy," and Vanille, the embodiment of "totally freaking bananas." They fail, Sara turns into an ice sculpture, they all wander around on a truly-amazing-looking solidified sea, and that's as far as I've gotten so far because, being Final Fantasy, its long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long.
The point where I knew I was getting into the story was the requisite Final Fantasy love-story flashback featuring Snow and Sara, and I was actually kind of touched by it, even though I had been sitting around for like fifteen minutes since the last battle and was like "okay, that's nice, can I play the damn game now."
The combat system is simple while still achieving a sense of depth and involvement. You spend most of the time pushing the Auto-Battle button (if you're me), and setting up chains of spells and attacks for a little custom ass-kicking. Being a turn-based game, there's a certain amount of time you have to wait before making a move, but this is slightly countered by the presence of multiple layers, allowing you to make multiple moves in one turn, or make individual ones in almost-real-time. There's also a Paradigm system that allows you to alter the behavior of your party members in combat, the requisite RPG skill assignment system to upgrade character stats and unlock new moves, and a thousand more things I haven't learned about because they likely haven't been introduced yet. This sounds like a lot of thinks to keep track of, but it's well-handled enough in the game to not be a bother.
So far, I'm liking Final Fantasy XIII. I'm almost loving it, in fact. Don't expect me to be attending conventions in Cloud Strife cosplay any time soon, but do expect me to pay a little more attention and have a little more respect for a genre that I've mostly ignored over the years.
Now, let's lighten up. Now that I've given both of my readers an earful about a game that I didn't expect to hate, I'll dish out seconds about a game that I didn't expect to like. I'm astonished, actually! This game has all the elements that should throw me off and send me away, but I was drawn to it and enjoyed it despite.
The game is Final Fantasy XIII, and to those people who are calling my sexual orientation into question for liking a wussy little JRPG over a big, tough manly military shooter, well then that is FABULOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
Final Fantasy XIII is generally regarded as one of the worst in the series (not including the recent Final Fantasy XIV Online). People seem to take issue to the confusing story, the repetitive gameplay, and the domination of the cast by emo kids with strange hair colors. Wait, am I talking about this game or the whole series (ba dum tish). I can say now that I'm not one of those people. I've so far been able to follow the story, get engaged in the gameplay, and actually connect with the characters.
To explain the backstory of this game would be like trying to explain quantum physics, and it would be pointless because I hardly know any of the backstory. There's this place called Cocoon, and this thing called the fal'Cie that everyone's trying to get to, and all of the main characters get these tattoos which mean that they are these things called l'Cie and they need to fulfill their Focus or they get turned into these other things and ... AAAURGH, my brain hurts.
Besides that, the story is actually fairly genuine and well-put-together. One of the l'Cie is named Sara, and her fiancee Snow and her sister Lightning both try to rescue her from the fal'Cie. Lightning is dragging around this black guy called Sammy Sosa or something who has a chocobo chick tucked away in his afro (don't ask), and Snow is dragging around two kids: Hope, the embodiment of "pussy," and Vanille, the embodiment of "totally freaking bananas." They fail, Sara turns into an ice sculpture, they all wander around on a truly-amazing-looking solidified sea, and that's as far as I've gotten so far because, being Final Fantasy, its long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long-long.
The point where I knew I was getting into the story was the requisite Final Fantasy love-story flashback featuring Snow and Sara, and I was actually kind of touched by it, even though I had been sitting around for like fifteen minutes since the last battle and was like "okay, that's nice, can I play the damn game now."
The combat system is simple while still achieving a sense of depth and involvement. You spend most of the time pushing the Auto-Battle button (if you're me), and setting up chains of spells and attacks for a little custom ass-kicking. Being a turn-based game, there's a certain amount of time you have to wait before making a move, but this is slightly countered by the presence of multiple layers, allowing you to make multiple moves in one turn, or make individual ones in almost-real-time. There's also a Paradigm system that allows you to alter the behavior of your party members in combat, the requisite RPG skill assignment system to upgrade character stats and unlock new moves, and a thousand more things I haven't learned about because they likely haven't been introduced yet. This sounds like a lot of thinks to keep track of, but it's well-handled enough in the game to not be a bother.
So far, I'm liking Final Fantasy XIII. I'm almost loving it, in fact. Don't expect me to be attending conventions in Cloud Strife cosplay any time soon, but do expect me to pay a little more attention and have a little more respect for a genre that I've mostly ignored over the years.
The Goat That Never Was
I was never excited about the new modern "Medal of Honor." I agreed with analysts at the time that the game would be meeting stiff competition with "Halo: Reach" being released at around the same time and "Call of Duty: Black Ops" just around the corner. It had no reason to exist, predictably did not meet sales expectations, and was sure to be just another mediocre modern-warfare shooter.
That is, until I played it.
This game is not just mediocre, it's downright terrible. The single-player campaign is an unpolished mess, the multiplayer is a horribly unbalanced sniper-fest, and the requisite co-op survival mode or any fitting replacement is completely absent. It's an overall poorly-made, lackluster package that fails to meet up to the standard of other cut-rate CoD knockoffs.
Where else should I take my first bite into this shit sandwich than with the campaign. There was real effort to make everything you do here accurate to real-life military operations, and the whole thing is set around a real military campaign in Afghanistan. This realistic tone clashes with the high-octane setpiece-action gameplay that dominates the game as part of its obligation to be just like Call of Duty, and there are parts where the game wholesale copies sequences from Call of Duty but cannot make them as interesting due to their obligation to be realistic to real-world procedures. Pick one and stick with it, Medal of Honor, these things don't mix well.
It's a fairly petty gripe, and one that is easily resolved through changing the settings, but the default controller sensitivity is very low. It's cumbersome to switch between different targets when the reticule doesn't move any quicker than a slow crawl. R.O.B. the Robot turns quicker than your guy on the default setting, and when you're in marking-targets-for-airstrikes mode, it's like R.O.B.'s batteries are dying. THIS IS NOT REALISTIC, MEDAL OF HONOR. Guns move quicker than this.
Also, please give me a clear indicator of how close I am to dying. You know how in Call of Duty the screen turns all red when you're about to die? That's a good thing: it lets you know right away that you need to take cover. Sure, there is a little red fringe around the screen in Medal of Honor, but it stays to the sides like it doesn't want to interrupt you. Believe me, the news that I will die if I take another hit is important enough to warrant telling me. Again, back to realism: In real life, you can tell very easily if you are about to die. I know you can't replicate excruciating pain and blood loss in your game, but that's why you use another system to tell me.
Don't even get me started on the graphics. The single-player uses a modified version of Unreal Engine 3, which doesn't even begin to make sense since they packed in the much more advanced Frostbite Engine for the multiplayer. Unreal Engine 3, really? I could make a game in Unreal Engine 3. I know you "heavily modified" it, but it seems that by "heavily modify" you meant "break."
I'll sum up all my issues with the graphics with one little instance. There's a scene where you are hiding behind a hill and a goat comes right up in your face. At least I think it was a goat, you can't really tell when the textures take 5 minutes to pop in. I can't describe fully how terrible this thing looked, but I'll just say that the sheep in Minecraft look more realistic. This was obviously a chance to show off how detailed the textures were, but it was totally ruined when the showing-off subject looked like an amorphous polygon-laden white blob.
This ... is ... inexcusable. This is just unacceptable. You just don't ship a game out like this, much less a big-budget fall blockbuster game. It's broken when it has no right nor excuse to be. Whoever QA tested this over at EA should be fired immediately.
Okay, moving on to the multiplayer. The multiplayer is actually okay: it's functional and looks really nice with the much more stable Frostbite Engine. Yet again, though, it has no right to exist. The map design and gameplay are just like Call of Duty with no improvements other than it being built on a better game engine. It tries to do nothing new, and makes no effort to separate itself from its competitors. It's also severely lacking in features, only including three classes and minimal upgrades.
What really puts the nail in the coffin, though, is how unbalanced it is. Sniping is ridiculously easy: no scope-steadying like in Call of Duty and no windage to worry about like in Bad Company 2, just point and shoot. There are also no killcams, so a sniper can rack up dozens of kills with no one knowing where the bastard is. Overall, it's heavily biased towards camping and sniping, and if you're on the receiving end, it can be terribly frustrating.
The game sucks, simple as that, and I feel sorry for anyone who paid full price for it.
That is, until I played it.
This game is not just mediocre, it's downright terrible. The single-player campaign is an unpolished mess, the multiplayer is a horribly unbalanced sniper-fest, and the requisite co-op survival mode or any fitting replacement is completely absent. It's an overall poorly-made, lackluster package that fails to meet up to the standard of other cut-rate CoD knockoffs.
Where else should I take my first bite into this shit sandwich than with the campaign. There was real effort to make everything you do here accurate to real-life military operations, and the whole thing is set around a real military campaign in Afghanistan. This realistic tone clashes with the high-octane setpiece-action gameplay that dominates the game as part of its obligation to be just like Call of Duty, and there are parts where the game wholesale copies sequences from Call of Duty but cannot make them as interesting due to their obligation to be realistic to real-world procedures. Pick one and stick with it, Medal of Honor, these things don't mix well.
It's a fairly petty gripe, and one that is easily resolved through changing the settings, but the default controller sensitivity is very low. It's cumbersome to switch between different targets when the reticule doesn't move any quicker than a slow crawl. R.O.B. the Robot turns quicker than your guy on the default setting, and when you're in marking-targets-for-airstrikes mode, it's like R.O.B.'s batteries are dying. THIS IS NOT REALISTIC, MEDAL OF HONOR. Guns move quicker than this.
Also, please give me a clear indicator of how close I am to dying. You know how in Call of Duty the screen turns all red when you're about to die? That's a good thing: it lets you know right away that you need to take cover. Sure, there is a little red fringe around the screen in Medal of Honor, but it stays to the sides like it doesn't want to interrupt you. Believe me, the news that I will die if I take another hit is important enough to warrant telling me. Again, back to realism: In real life, you can tell very easily if you are about to die. I know you can't replicate excruciating pain and blood loss in your game, but that's why you use another system to tell me.
Don't even get me started on the graphics. The single-player uses a modified version of Unreal Engine 3, which doesn't even begin to make sense since they packed in the much more advanced Frostbite Engine for the multiplayer. Unreal Engine 3, really? I could make a game in Unreal Engine 3. I know you "heavily modified" it, but it seems that by "heavily modify" you meant "break."
I'll sum up all my issues with the graphics with one little instance. There's a scene where you are hiding behind a hill and a goat comes right up in your face. At least I think it was a goat, you can't really tell when the textures take 5 minutes to pop in. I can't describe fully how terrible this thing looked, but I'll just say that the sheep in Minecraft look more realistic. This was obviously a chance to show off how detailed the textures were, but it was totally ruined when the showing-off subject looked like an amorphous polygon-laden white blob.
This ... is ... inexcusable. This is just unacceptable. You just don't ship a game out like this, much less a big-budget fall blockbuster game. It's broken when it has no right nor excuse to be. Whoever QA tested this over at EA should be fired immediately.
Okay, moving on to the multiplayer. The multiplayer is actually okay: it's functional and looks really nice with the much more stable Frostbite Engine. Yet again, though, it has no right to exist. The map design and gameplay are just like Call of Duty with no improvements other than it being built on a better game engine. It tries to do nothing new, and makes no effort to separate itself from its competitors. It's also severely lacking in features, only including three classes and minimal upgrades.
What really puts the nail in the coffin, though, is how unbalanced it is. Sniping is ridiculously easy: no scope-steadying like in Call of Duty and no windage to worry about like in Bad Company 2, just point and shoot. There are also no killcams, so a sniper can rack up dozens of kills with no one knowing where the bastard is. Overall, it's heavily biased towards camping and sniping, and if you're on the receiving end, it can be terribly frustrating.
The game sucks, simple as that, and I feel sorry for anyone who paid full price for it.
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